Pimp My Tuk Tuk

So, literally, only one night in Bangkok.

A beautiful balmy night and I’d taken the incentive group for dinner at Vertigo, the restaurant on the roof of the Banyan Tree Hotel. We didn’t tell them about the venue and the first glimpse of things to come was after they’d exited the lift and walked two flights of stairs. Bam! Suddenly there they were, on the open roof, with the whole of Bangkok, lit and twinkling beneath them. It took their breath away. Occasionally, someone suffers from the same name as the restaurant and we seat them at a romantic table in the restaurant on the floor below but on this night even the Vertigo sufferers didn’t want to miss out so they groped their way to their seats and spent the rest of the night feeling very proud that they’d overcome their fears.

Dinner was superb as always and as we neared the end of the meal I was just waiting for someone to ask the question. No one had yet, but someone would – they always do……

And finally, some brave soul did indeed ask.

Um Lisa, how far is Patpong from here?

I grinned and walked around our tables. Yes, I had two coaches downstairs waiting for us. Yes, if people wanted to visit the night markets and/or Patpong I could arrange for one of the coaches to do this while the other took the remainder back to the hotel. No problem, just say the word etc etc.

Strangely enough I found myself on the coach to the markets/Patpong. I was now “off duty” and had meant to go back to the hotel but the VIP pulled a fast one and collared me on the way to the coach with some “very important questions” and shortly there we were, merrily on our way to the bustling street.

Oh well, I thought, if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em so I explained to everyone that the markets run the length of the street and the bars/clubs line the sides etc etc. In short order we arrived, jumped off and hit the markets en masse.

I have no intention of saying how many of the group peeled off into the bars. You know, what goes on in Patpong stays in Patpong and all that. I simply kept my head down and helped the shoppers. Anyway, I couldn’t wait for the stories which would be told over breakfast in the morning!!

About an hour later I calculated that as the 30 people still with me were carrying more or less their own body weight in fake Rolexes, Ed Harvey T-shirts and D&G handbags, they were about ready to go back to the hotel. We gathered on the corner and began the fine art of bartering for cabs and tuk tuks. We’d all picked a target and the whole process was conducted with much laughter, us arguing with our cabbie or tuk tuk driver and then shouting to other members of the group further down the street to make sure we were getting a good deal. It was a riot!!

Hence, we all piled into our transports at about the same time and set off. Now normally the ride back to the hotel takes about 10 minutes but our high spirits must have been contagious as the drivers all wheel spun away into what was obviously the first ever Bangkok F1 street race.

Cabs vied with Tuk tuks, red lights were ignored, road etiquette unheard of as we wove in and out of the rest of Bangkok’s unsuspecting drivers.

I was one of the first back to the hotel and stood under the portico to give a rousing welcome to those who came behind, in a seemingly never ending convoy.

And come they did, racing up the drive and skidding to a halt, the occupants helpless with laughter as they spilled onto the carpet and paid their money.

I noticed that a few were still missing and was about to ask if anyone had seen them when in the distance, over the night-time noises of busy Bangkok the "duff duff duff" of a severe sound system gradually got louder and louder. Out of sight at the entrance to the hotel we heard a screech, the duff duff swelled and around the corner came a tuk tuk unlike anything I have ever seen before. Disco lights mounted on every available surface (inside and out) and flashing in time with the music, ultra violet tubes which lit the ground from underneath the chassis, a TV screen mounted in the back (showing god knows what but I think it was XXX rated) and the now deafening pounding of what was obviously a very popular club hit.

The tuk tuk showed no signs of slowing down and I assumed that it was going to carry on, nothing to do with our group, but at that moment the driver performed the most stunning extended wheelie which lasted more or less the entire length of the hotel and revealed the hysterical faces of the missing three of my group.

They ‘dismounted’ with cheers and much back slapping, having literally showered the driver with Baht for his prowess at the wheel (and I’m assuming for his knowledge of where they could get the beer that they hadn’t spilled a drop of) and the tuk tuk duff duffed off into the night.

At breakfast the next morning the pimped up tuk tuk got as much airplay as the other events in Patpong, surpassed only by the story of how many darts it took for one Thai hostess to pop 6 balloons. (I didn’t ask……..)